Hmmm, not quite as I'd hoped...

Q: So, how's the whole blogging thing working out?
A: Ahem, not as marvellously as I'd perhaps hoped, thanks for asking.

Q; And why's that exactly?
A: Weeeeeelllll.....it appears that I kinda sorta over-estimated the amount of time I'd have available to write the darn thing. Or maybe I just underestimated the amount of time needed to do it...because I do ramble on a bit y'know...

Q: Quite. And so what do you plan to do to correct this sorry state of affairs?
A: Yeah, good question...what about...work out a schedule? Maybe...write one post every week? Or twice a week?

Q: It's a start I guess...but what happened to all your grand plans? You know, the ones about blogging everyday, and linking to all your favorite blogs so they can join you in witty reparte about fashion, pop culture and all the rest, hmmm?
A: Wow, that's a bit harsh, Q! Listen, life gets in the way! I have a husband! 2 small children! A house! A business! A life! Shit happens and quite frankly, Mrs smarty-pants Q, I don't see you stepping in to help out with the domestic grind, or the festive shopping smackdown, or the oh-my-god there's a BIG FAT work problem that needs dealing with RIGHT NOW. So keep your smug as a smug thing sarky knickers comments to yourself, thanks very much.

Q: Crickey, Madame S, take a chill pill. Just asking, y'know...
A: Yeah well, a little understanding would go a long way, that's all I'm saying...

Q: OK, message recieved. So now you've indulged yourself in this (frankly bizarre, and just a little bit scary) conversation with yourself, what's the plan? Assuming you have one?
A: OK, here's the plan. Or rather, Here's The Plan:

I, Madame Suggia, being of sound(ish) mind and (increasingly raddled) body, do hereby swear-oh all right, I'll just do my best-to post at least once a week. If not twice.

OK?

Are we all fine with that?

Jolly good.

Part Two of Madame Suggia's List of Wardrobe Essentials

Can you stand the excitement? yeah, I'll just bet you can....

OK, without further ado, here's the second part of Madame Suggia's List of Wardrobe Essentials.

So to recap-we've got the 3-piece black suit, yes? The denim jacket, the armfuls of gorgeously colored pashminas? And the sparkly top, the equally sparkly skirt and the chic as hell trouser jeans? What else do we need, to really round out the perfect wardrobe? Hmmmm, let's see...

7) White T-Shirts. Plain, unsullied by logo, trim or any kind of embellishment at all. By the bucket-load. Madame Suggia needs at least one for every day of the week, especially when travelling, and here's why.

They work under pretty much any style of jacket, with any kind of pant, jean or skirt.

They are a perfect 'foil' for your dramatic necklaces or scarves.

They are ridiculously comfortable.

They look great with a slight tan.

In extremis, you can sleep in them.

I humbly suggest that you hunt for the perfect white t-shirt; mine is slightly fitted, with a cap sleeve and a scoop or not-too-low v-neck...and when you find it, buy as many as you can afford to in one hit. Stash most of them away and wear a few of them to death. Replace them from your t-shirt stash the minute they get stained or otherwise trashed. Use the stained ones as polishing cloths, or if you must, for wearing whilst doing grimy chores.

8) Metallic Shoes. Ooooooh, love me some metallic shoe action! We forget, don't we, just how recently you really couldn't get away with anything other than a dark colored shoe for general daywear? Not any more! Metallics are indeed 'the new neutral' and personally I love them...I need a low heel, a mid-heel and some really really high heels.

I currently have a pair of low heeled, sparkly gunmetal d'orsay pumps, featuring a fabulous square buckle trim, almost like these (same company, different color). http://www.madelineshoes.com/shoe/detail/126

Looks great with dark cropped jeans and a loose white shirt.

Got the mid-heels sorted too, these babies by BCBG Max Azria, called Akros.
Now I must admit, when I first saw these I thought they were great but so not me, I almost didn't even try them on. Which would have been a mistake of epic proportions, because these are great-really comfy (frankly, for full retail of $230 I should bloody well hope so too!) and they go with almost anything; if you're a total cheapskate like me, you'll manage to score them on eBay for about $45. http://cgi.ebay.com/BCBG-Max-Azria-Akros-Silver-Sandals-Shoes-Womens-Sz-9-5_W0QQitemZ130264185081QQihZ003QQcategoryZ63889QQcmdZViewItem

Finally, the high heels. Well, my heart says, ooooh, something like these, no?

http://www.net-a-porter.com/product/33528 but my head says, don't be so bloody stupid, you won't be able to walk in them and frankly, if you think that spunking $650 on a pair of shoes is a good idea you need your bumps feeling.

For the moment, I think I'll just mentally sub in these rather spiffy little numbers-hey, silver-grey snakeskin counts as a sort-of metallic, right? Right?

Also, they are gorgeous, super sexy and surprisingly comfortable. Once again eBay sorted these for me for about $95, but you can also find them here (if you can, sizes are limited now) http://www.bluefly.com/Lambertson-Truex-grey-snakeskin-Zola-criss-cross-strap-heels/cat20022/210425500/detail.fly

And one of the many reasons to wear a metallic shoe is this...they go with everything.

9) The White Pants Suit. Just like the black 3-piece suit idea (#1 in this list), don't care if you don't do white/tailoring/pants. Doesn't matter a jot. I promise you, get yourself a white linen pants suit ready for next summer and I guarantee you'll love it.

Because...the suit itself looks fabulous worn in an I-don't-have-to-try-too-hard manner, like this

http://www.style.com/fashionshows/complete/slideshow/S2009RTW-TROVATA?event=show1862&designer=design_house570&trend=&iphoto=8

See? Not so hard, is it? Roll the pants up, shove the sleeves up, man's tie or scarf as a a belt, done as a done thing. Totally a day-time look, nice & casual, as wearable as you like.

Or what about this...so sexy!http://www.style.com/fashionshows/complete/slideshow/S2009RTW-DERER?event=show1862&designer=design_house1276&trend=&iphoto=2

Totally, totally gorgeous, a bit more dressy so great for day-to-evening but still casual enough to wear everyday.

But also! The jacket will work over your trouser jeans, as well as smartening up a girly floral skirt or dress.

And! The pants can be worn with your denim jacket, or with a floaty, boho tunic like this one
http://www.style.com/fashionshows/complete/slideshow/S2009RTW-JAEGER?event=show1862&designer=design_house1654&trend=&iphoto=31

or just the next item on the list,

10) The Striped T-Shirt. Now usually I'm all, this is just my opinion, you choose whatever works for you, but on this?

No.

On this, I am the dictatorial bitch from hell. Just trust me, this will work on you. You may think you won't like it, but you will, oh yes...

You need a horizontal stripe (doesn't make you look fat, honestly, and even if it did-so? It looks great!); you need a boat neck (worked for Audrey Hepburn, it'll work for me); a slightly fitted shape, and a 3/4 sleeve. Oh yeah, I prefer a slightly longer, almost tunic length for mine.

Personally, I love the classic black-and-white combo (wear with the white pants from the suit! perfection!) but for the colors at least, wear what you please...but the design details must stay.

Sadly, can't find a pic for this-have you any idea just how hard these are to find? I usually end up making my own, but even good quality striped knits are rocking-horse rare (note: English expression, translates to 'rare as rocking horse shit...so pretty damn rare, then) so I'm always on the look out for a good RTW version.

11) Hoop earrings. Now I'm an all-silver, all-the-time girl when it comes to jewellery, because I just don't suit gold tones. Actually, I look like a hooker in gold, which I wouldn't mind, but a cheap hooker, which frankly I resent. So for me the hoops-big, small, thin, chunky-have to be silver. And I don't mind if they're plain, or with sparkles or stones threaded on them, or even like these beauties by Alex Monroe http://www.alexmonroe.com/product_info.php?cPath=49_55&products_id=355

or, my current dream earrings, these http://www.alexmonroe.com/product_info.php?cPath=49_61&products_id=427

Yes, I know they are both shown in gold but they are available in silver-work with me here, wouldja? Anyhow, my point is this...hoop earrings=fail safe fabulousness on the earring front.

And just to complete this part of the list (because you just know I'll have to do parts 3, 4 and quite possibly 5, don't you?) here's...

12) The Perfect Bag. Doesn't need to be an 'it' bag. Doesn't need to be expensive, or this season's color, or be covered in logos (actually I wouldn't thank you for a logo-d bag-I'd no more wear a bag that has 'Chanel' on it than one that has 'Walmart' on it-if you want me to be a walking ad for your company, you can pay me for the privilege, not the other way around. Ahem.). But it does need to do the job-for me, that means big, slouchy and wipe clean. So for the moment I'm really happy with my BV knock-off...looks like this, but as it's a knock off, it's made in kiddie-friendly PVC. For which I am unbelievably grateful, because a quick swipe with a baby wipe and it's good as new.
http://www.amazon.com/Bottega-Veneta-Leather-Cinched-179320/dp/B001CGS0F8%3FSubscriptionId%3D0X1D9X3HR1A4W5HDJA02%26tag%3Dws%26linkCode%3Dxm2%26camp%3D2025%26creative%3D165953%26creativeASIN%3DB001CGS0F8

Annnnnnddddd....now I really do have to do at least a part three.

Ho hum, so much fabulous fashion, so little time...

Part One of Madame Suggia's List of Wardrobe Essentials

Inspired by this post by the always-superfantastic Twistie http://manolobig.com/2008/10/19/twisties-list-of-ten-wardrobe-essentials/ at Manolo for the Big Girl, I thought I'd work out my very own list of wardrobe essentials.

Like Twistie, I'm feeling a little miffed...or even, verklempt at Tim Gunn's list

(ha! see what I did there? Verklempt! A Tim-Gunnism! Ok, moving on...)

Now, whilst I bow to no-one in my sheer adoration and blind worship of Mr. Gunn, I do think his list is a little bit limiting. It doesn't take into account things like, say, the climate you live in, or the life you lead, or even, the kind of person you are.

OK, it's not as limiting as Stacey & Clinton's one-style-fits all mantra (Stacey! Your hair is fabulous! Clinton! errrmmmm....whatever...)

But there are a few items that I just can't get behind.

For instance-a trench coat? Not for Madame S!

I live in a sub-tropical climate, where we endure, sorry, enjoy about 360 days of hotter-than-a-hot-thing sun a year. So really, no need for a trench coat. Or any other coat for that matter. If it rains, I'll use an umbrella, or more likely (Brits are kinda used to the rain...oh yeah, we're hardcore about the whole precipitation business!) I'll merely accept getting wet. It's just water, not hydrochloric acid...

And ballet flats? Not going to happen in my shoe closet anytime soon, with the pancake-flat, long, thin feet! Madame S does not wish to look as though her feet are, in fact, stylishly attired golf clubs.

Anyhow, for what it's worth, here's the first part of my small-but-perfectly-formed List of Wardrobe Essentials.

I'm being quite dictatorial here-think of me as a benign dictator-and these items may or may not resonate with you, but these are the items that work for me, over and over and over again...

1) A 3-piece black suit. Preferably, a fitted jacket, pencil skirt to just below the knee and some killer pants, hemmed to wear with heels. Needs to be in a year-round fabric...something like tropical weight wool, or a silk or wool crepe. Even better with just a smidge of Lycra.

Now, even if you never wear suits/jackets/skirts/pants/black...you need these. And I'll tell you why.

Formal suit, for interviews, court appearances (!) or, regrettably, funerals?

Skirt & Jacket over a neat shirt, blouse or skinny sweater or T-shirt. Trust me on this, interviews are stressful, court appearances scary, and funerals just miserable-and loved ones do have this annoying habit of shuffling off this mortal coil quite unexpectedly-so having the fail-safe, totally appropriate outfit hanging in your closet, clean, pressed & ready to go takes a huge amount of stress off you at a potentially devastating time.

I learnt this the hard way, shopping on the fly for a black suit for my Dad's funeral-tricky to find something suitable when you're drowning in grief and snot.

But also!

Jacket over jeans (see below!) and T-shirt with pashmina (yes! see below!) gives a fall-winter-spring outfit for almost every occasion. Change bags/footwear/pashmina color as per the season, add a coat for winter, you're good.

Skirt with T-shirt/shirt/blouse/skinny sweater with denim jacket (oh yeah, you know it's below!)-as above, add pashmina or scarf, change bag & footwear to suit and that's another 3-season wonder.

Pants with sparkly top (see below! see how everything's working together?) plus metallic heels (yeah!) equals fail-safe evening outfit.

Last but by no means least, if you've chosen a blazer-type jacket, you can wear the pants or the skirt with just the jacket (and a push-up bra, ooh la la!) for a fabulous evening outfit.

2) Denim jacket. Can be a classic shape, all battered and vintage-y, can be a dark-rinse blazer-type, or a biker-jacket style. Personally, I wouldn't wear embroidered denim, just because it cuts down on what you can mix it with; also, I like to wear vast amounts of brooches on mine-but whatever rocks your world.

Use to dress down all tailored pants & skirts, to toughen up a girly-girly dress or just to give off a rock-chic vibe.

3) Pashmina-as many as you like, in colors of your choice. I read a few years ago that the pashmina was 'out'. That any fashionista worth her it-bag was flinging her pashminas to the back of the closet, where they would lay in an unloved and unworn heap.

Buuuuuuuullllshiiiiiiiiittttt.

A truly fabulous item, these babies can be worn as a scarf, a shawl, a head wrap, a sarong or a blanket. I say a blanket, because I'm pretty sure that you'd rather look like this (fabulous first 3 pics purloined from the always-wonderful Sartorialist, http://thesartorialist.blogspot.com/, the final blot on the face of humanity from The Slanket, http://www.theslanket.com/ , may the good Lord have mercy on their dark, dark souls.)

or thisor this...

than like this...
...because really, there's just no excuse for this, none whatsoever...

They have further uses-folded up into a pillow, as a luxurious baby blankie or change-mat (preferably in that order), or when tied just so, an emergency hobo-style bag. Anyhow, loving the pashminas! Never board an aeroplane, or be admitted to hospital, or go away for any kind of overnight trip without one.

4) Sparkly top. This can honestly be any shape or style of top-cami, T-shirt, blouse, whatever-personally, I'll be making a version of this totally gorgeous and (I think) wearable sequined tank from thegeniusthatisdriesvannoten (SS2007! see how directional he is!)

or maybe even this fabby little number by 3.1 Philip Lim

I'll be wearing my lovely new top with white pants and shirt or t-shirt, or with my black suit pants or skirt, or with my jeans....basically as often as is humanly possible without becoming heartily sick of it.

Pics stolen, sorry, taken from http://www.style.com/fashionshows and I'll be using a rather spectacular gunmetal sequined fabric I scored on eBay- $40 for 2 1/2 yards of 45" wide sequined fabulousness! Lined in grey silk crepe-de-chine-oh yeah, fabric is bought & ready to go.

Yeah feeling pretty smug there-just call me Mrs Smug from Smugtown, State of Smug, USA, because if I'm really really really careful I might juuuust get a slim skirt out of this fabric too...not to be worn together you understand, but it will give me item number ...

5) Sparkly skirt....maybe my version of this-yaaaay for Dries again! Really, the man's a genius...
or this by 3.1 Philip Lim..actually, this color is about right for my faaaaabuous fabric...

Now here's the thing...I'm a fat girl. Call it full-figured, call it curvy, call it plus-sized...all adds up to the same thing. And as a life-long fat girl, I've always sort-of followed the conventional wisdom that says, hey fat girl! no bright colors! no white or cream! and certainly nothing sparkly, because you're F-A-T.

To which I say, finally, after years of passing up the fashion goodies...

I. Don't. Care.

Don't give a crap. Truly. I shall make those glorious sequined separates, I shall wear them-actually, I shall rock the hell out of them-and in the unlikely event that I'm ever accosted by some super-annuated so-called style guru who tells me that I 'shouldn't'...I shall tell them, ever so politely and in my best, tea-with-the-queen English accent, to fuck-right-off.

So I'll be wearing the skirt with, oooh, maybe a super-fine slouchy cashmere sweater, or just a white t-shirt and metallic heels for evening, or with my denim jacket just because I can.

6) Jeans. I'm so over bootcuts I can't begin to tell you-after 15 or so years at the top of the jeans tree they are starting to look done to death, so I'm going for a pair of trouser jeans, probably these spiffy little numbers

from Lane Bryant-I'll wear them with the aforementioned sparkly top, or a white shirt or t-shirt, or a snuggly cardigan...and for just 44 and a half of your fine American dollars!

http://www.lanebryant.com/pagebuilder/lane_bryant_product_page?pagesize=3&my_nav=apparel_accessories&cat=bottoms&subcat=see%20all&cid=0000010177

Part two to follow...

Two Great Nations Divided By One Language

So before we got down to business fashion-wise, I thought it would be smart to go through a few of the strange-but-true differences between American English and...well... English English.

Because although the USA and the UK share many, many things, there are times when the two nations are so wide apart that we really are, as the title suggests, Two Great Nations Divided By One Language.

It's not quite "you say tom-ay-toe, I say tom-ah-toe", but what the hell!

USA: Button-Down; in the UK: Shirt

USA: Shirt: in the UK: T-Shirt (I once asked a groovy young teen who worked for me, why do you call your T-Shirt a 'shirt?' In best nuh-uuh teen-speak she said, " It's too much effort to say Teeeee-Shirt". It's official, the future is fucked.

USA: Tank; in the UK: Armoured Amphibious Vehicle, rather like this gnarly example






OR it can mean a Vest...sleeveless, scoop-necked T-shirt, often worn by children, or wizened old codgers for an extra layer of winter warmth, as an item of underwear. Shudderingly made in 'string' for wear by said codgers. Or punks. Also worn, in solid cotton interlock, as an actual garment by those racy youngsters with toned arms.

A Tank Top is a weirdly British garment; basically a knitted Tank or Vest, it should ideally be knitted by your adoring Mother or (better still) Grandmother, and should, for real authenticity, have a few dropped stitches, dodgy colors and be made from the unravelled wool from your Dad or Grandad's oldest jumper (see below). Dimly remembered fashion history tells me that these first came into prominence during WW1, as a warm but sleeveless layer for the tank crews to wear under their uniforms, but I could be talking out of my big fat behind (see also bum, ass, below) here. Anyhow, tanks tops have a marvellously retro vibe when worn in a beautifully styled Polo ad by a stunningly chisel-jawed hunk. In real life, they are worn almost exclusively by snot-wreathed small boys or emotionally-retarded, (oooh! Guy Ritchie reference!) socially inept, living-at-home-with-their-mothers-at-the-age-of-38 kidults with bad skin and a propensity for geek-dom.

USA: Sweater; UK: Jumper, whereas, USA: Jumper; UK: Pinafore.

USA: Vest; UK: Waistcoat. Not Weskit. Not ever Weskit. Just so we're clear.

USA: Garter Belt; UK: Suspenders...sometimes (unnecessarily and quite horribly) shortened to "suzzies".

USA: Suspenders; UK Braces, but also, USA: Retainers; UK: Braces...see how us Brits are so marvellously economical with our language? The same word, but with two completely different meanings. Genius!

I suspect the whole garter belt/suspenders/braces/retainers confusion could be quite amusing if you were a cross-dressing dentist whose straight alter-ego was Gordon Gecko,

otherwise it's just a royal pain in the backside.



USA: Pants; UK: Trousers...in the UK, pants are strictly female underwear. Or a mild insult, as in, that (insert event, purchase or life experience here) was pants.

USA: Thong; UK: G-string, yet another type of underwear. Also known as dental floss for the bum, which is Brit-speak for ass. Which term is more or less charming, Ass or Bum? Discuss.

USA: Sportswear, which appears to mean any clothing that is not full-on cocktail, evening, bridal or swimwear. UK: Sportswear: clothes you wear to do sports in. Usually containing a dizzyingly high proportion of man-mad fibres.

USA: Active Wear: clothes you wear to do sports in. UK: unless you are an aristo, and therefore have loads of free time to indulge in sporty pursuits, Brits are largely inactive, therefore we have no 'active wear', unless you count tennis/polo/horsey/golf/rugby/cricket gear, which has been brilliantly re-packaged and sold back to us by American companies like Ralph Lauren. Score for the New World!

Finally, USA: Pasties, a stick-on hide-the-nipple device worn by burlesque dancers. And Posh Spice. In the UK, Pasties: usually, a Cornish Pasty-a pastry-encased, semi-circular savoury snack or meal, containing minced lamb, potato and carrots. Or, for the veggies, a cheese and onion version! Both equally vile and leaden on the stomach.

There are, of course, many (many!) more language anomalies between our two fabulous nations, mainly involving words for genitalia, coitus, or, more often, lavatorial functions. I'll be more than happy to enlighten you in the future...

Part The First...

Well, here we are.

After humming & hawing for (what seems like) forever, I've finally 'done the deed' and started a blog.

Yeah, me and about a gazillion others.

Quite honestly, I don't expect anyone to read this, but I'll be gratified-and probably pretty surprised, too- if anyone does.

So what's to say?

As a self-opinionated big-mouth I have plenty to say-question is, does anyone really give a crap? (Hmmm, maybe now's a good time to explain that as a Brit, I use baaaad language. A lot. You'll learn to deal with it, I promise).

OK, well I do plan to blog about all sorts of stuff-but mainly fashion and style (not the same thing at all), TV shows, pop culture, maybe chuck in a few recipes, some travel info, a bit of political ranting...you never know.

Ooooohhh, yes! and magazines, London, movies, English V American culture, consumerism, books, art, parenting, running a small business, insomnia, cosmetics, marriage, sewing, history, style icons, religion, pedicures...you get the picture.

And just so we're all 'on the same page'-The only subject I won't be blogging about is sport-any of it, in any way, shape or form. Because I find sport of any sort to be tedious beyond belief, and it's my blog, so there.

So-ready to rock? This could be fabulous, or it could be beyond appalling.

Let's see, shall we?